If You Could See Me Now
by anaBTRusher
Summary: It's been ten years since Kendall lost one of the most important people in the world; his own father. But the pain is still there. Based on If You Could See Me Now by The Script.


**Hello everyone! So, exams have been over for me, so I'm officially coming back to writing Fan Fiction.**

**This one shot is rather sad and emotional, and it's based on the song "If You Could See Me Now" by The Script. If you want to, you can listen to the song while reading. But I warn you that you may cry.**

**Enjoy!**

_**If You Could See Me Now**_

I look at the calendar on the wall of my room.

_February 14, 2013. _Valentine's day.

To most people, today is the day when happy couples celebrate their love. But to me, it's the painful reminder of an event that changed my life forever.

It's been exactly ten years ever since. But I still feel the same pain.

_February 13, 2003_

_I'm sitting with my parents and my younger sister, Katie, around the family table in our small house in Minnesota. My three-year-old little sister is constantly babbling about how she won some sort of prize in kindergarten, making me, my mom and my dad giggle._

"_So, how has your day been, little man?" my father asks me. _

"_I can't play hockey!" I complain, pouting. "Our team lost today's game because of me! We are going to fail tomorrow's game too!"_

"_Really? I don't think you are that bad" he says, looking into my eyes._

"_You're lying! And everyone in the team is older than me, and a lot better. Being nine sucks"_

_My dad chuckles, patting my back. "Don't rush to grow up, Kendall" he tells me. "You should live life to the full and go big time. Always try to make it to the top. Complaining won't get you anywhere. Hard work will"_

_My eyes light up after his small pep talk. "Thanks dad for the advice" I say with a huge smile on my face._

_From that point on, these words would accompany me in my every step in life._

I followed his advice. Instead of a hockey career though, I pursued a career in the music industry after finding out that I had talent. Now, I'm in one of the world's biggest boy bands with my three best friends. My music is being heard around the world and I've been in so many tours. In our concerts, the screams of thousands of fans can be heard. I can say that I'm on top of the world.

But there are moments in my life when I wish he would still be there with me. I wish he had seen me climb to the top. Go to the tours with my mom and sister. See me perform songs I wrote. Cheer with the rest of the world. Be proud of me for following his advice and going big time.

I still look for his face in the crowd, hoping he'll appear between the thousands of fans in the stadiums. But I know he can't come back. He can't be there for me when I need him, in happy or sad times.

He's _gone_.

_February 14, 2003_

"_And the winners are Minnesota Wild Juniors!" is heard throughout the ice rink. I can hear my friends cheering for my team. The feeling of victory can't compare to anything else. _

_I look at my dad in the crowd. He has a huge smile of pride on his face, as my mom looks like she's about to cry tears of joy. I can also see my sister cheering for me. I smile. _

_After we take the championship cup, our coach congratulates us for our hard work, paying special attention to me._

"_You were the best, Kendall" he tells me. I can see everyone around me nod in agreement. My team mates hug me tightly. "You did it Kendall!" they exclaim._

_The joy I'm feeling is inexplicable. But what makes me even happier is the fact that I didn't let anyone down. On the contrary, I've made them proud._

"_How did you improve so quickly?" my teammate James asks me, snapping me out of my trance._

"_Oh, I got a little encouragement from my family" I reply, the huge smile I've had since my team's victory never leaving my face._

"_You rocked Kendall!" another teammate of mine, Carlos, tells me. I thank him, as a third fellow hockey player named Logan places a hand on my shoulder._

"_To celebrate our victory, let's go to Hot Dog King" he suggests. All three of us agree, running frantically to our lockers room and prepare for a night of fun._

_But none of us knew what would happen next._

I still can't believe how quickly everything had happened. One moment, we were all celebrating my team's victory in the biggest game to date, and the next, our joy was crushed.

"_Kendall, your mom says she wants to talk to you" James' mother tells me, handing me her phone. She had been with us since the moment we left the rink._

"_Hey mom!" I say happily. She surely wants to tell me how proud she is. But instead of words of praise, I hear her voice cracking, giving me news that has my word turn upside down in just a second._

"_Kendall, your dad is in the hospital. He's…very sick" she says, on the verge of crying._

_My heart is beating faster and faster by the minute. "What? Is he okay?" I ask, my naïve nine-year-old mind unable to understand how serious my father's condition is._

_For some seconds, my mom says nothing. When she finally manages to mutter a one-word answer, tears well up in my eyes:_

"_No…"_

"_Can I see him?" I inquire._

"_No, sweetheart, but in a while, maybe you can" she replies shakily._

"_No, no, I want to see him now!" I cry out, as James' mother takes the phone away from me. "Let's go home now" she says to all of us. _

_Minutes later, we're all in James' house, tension in the atmosphere. At some point, Mrs. Diamond leaves to get Katie, leaving me and my friends alone._

_I can hear Carlos sniffling next to me, as my eyes remain tightly closed, to prevent the tears from falling._

"_He's gonna be okay, Kendall" Logan tells me, stroking my shoulder. "He has to" James adds._

_I open my eyes and look at them, before bursting into tears. "No, don't cry" James and Logan whisper, hugging me along with Carlos. For the next couple of minutes, the three of them are trying to soothe me, though they're on the verge of losing it too._

_In the end, I believe them. I silently pray that my dad will be saved._

But what I wanted never happened. Within two hours of being admitted to hospital, he was gone. He had experienced extreme chest pain after I had gone out with my friends, and it was later established that he had suffered a cardiac arrest. It all happened in less than three hours.

The irony was that that day, he and mom were celebrating, along with Valentine's Day, their ten years of marriage. He had prepared an amazing night for both of them, which they'd enjoy after my hockey game. But they never did.

I can still remember how my mom had informed me of his death.

_February 15, 2003_

_Katie, James, Carlos, Logan and I had spent the night at the Diamonds' house. It wasn't like we'd slept though. With the exception of Katie, none of us could close their eyes for a second. We finally gave in to an unwanted sleep when the sun was about to rise._

_When we woke up, my mom was sitting on the couch along with James' mom. The moment I see her, I can understand that she has nothing positive to tell me. Her eyes are red and swollen. I run to her arms and bury my face in her chest, as I can feel her try to hold back sobs. _

"_I'll leave you guys alone" James' mom states, as she heads for the room the guys and Katie were in. Moments later, she and the three boys leave the house._

_I pull away from my mom's tight embrace, as my sister sits next to me. "What's going on, mommy?" she asks._

_My mom wipes a tear which has made its way down her cheek, looking at us with sad, puffy eyes._

"_Where is dad?" I wonder, wrapping my arm around my sister's shoulder. "He's…coming with us, right?" I add, hoping in vain she'll say yes._

"_Baby" my mom says, holding my hand. "Daddy's not sick anymore. He's in a happy place now"_

"_Where is he?" Katie chimes in._

"_He's….he's in heaven" my mom replies, some tears making their way down her face. Katie doesn't seem to understand, but I do._

_I had known about death and seen it in movies ever since I was five. But I had never imagined it would happen to someone so close to me. I had never thought I would lose my own father._

"_Is he coming back?" Katie keeps on asking._

"_No, sweetheart" my mom replies, and it's obvious she's about to lose it. "He isn't. He is with God and the angels now. We can't see him anymore"_

_My little sister's eyes fill up with tears as she breaks down sobbing. "No! I want my daddy! I want my daddy!" she cries. Seconds later, I start crying as well, hugging her close to my chest. My mom joins us too, as the three of us turn into a crying mess._

_We're all broken now._

As the events of the day I'd struggled to forget about keep coming back to me, I can feel myself closer and closer to breaking down. I end up burying my face in my hands, sobbing so loudly that I'm sure everyone outside the room can hear it. But I don't care anymore.

I've heard millions of times that boys don't cry; especially 19-year-old men. But how am I supposed not to when I've lost my own _father_? When my role model was gone for almost my entire childhood and missed seeing me grow up and become a man?

I didn't even say goodbye to him. I never told him how thankful I was to him for supporting me through life. How much I admired him. What an amazing husband and father he was. How much I loved him.

I can hear my bedroom's door creak open as Katie walks in. I look up at her. Her tear-stained face is so pale and her eyes are bloodshot from crying. She sits next to me, wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace.

"I wish he was still around" I say to her, rubbing my hand up and down her back. "Me too" she whispers. "But I'm sure he's still in our hearts and watching us from above. He would have been so proud of you, Kendall"

"He would have loved how far you're come as well, Kate" I reply. We stay in that position for what seems like hours before we pull away and walk out of the small, depressing room.

The guys haven't come around today. They said they wanted to give me some space. My girlfriend isn't here either. So, it's only me, Katie and mom.

When we reach the living room, we notice our mother sitting there, a blank expression on her face. Without saying a single word, we hug her tightly, trying to make some of the pain go away.

At night, I find myself unable to sleep, like that night ten years ago. I get off my bed and walk to the desk I do my homework on. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, I start writing a letter:

_Dear dad,_

_I know that writing this won't bring you back or change things around. But I hope that it will at least bring some closure to me. _

_Today marks ten years since you left this world. However, none of us has forgotten about what an amazing man you were. We all remember this day and make a point of visiting your grave in Minnesota. This year though, we couldn't make it. But know that we still love you and would do anything to have you here with us._

_It hurts that you've missed seeing me and Katie grow up and following or dreams. I still wish you were here with us, to guide us through life and give us your best advice._

_Well, our lives have been happy for the most part. Logan, James, Carlos and I have become a boy band named Big Time Rush and are now widely famous. Mom and Katie followed us to LA to make our dreams come true. I can say, nothing bad has happened to us in quite some time._

_Sometimes though, I imagine how things could have been if you hadn't passed away. You would have probably come to LA with us as well and be our manager of sorts. Maybe you could also teach Gustavo (our producer/manager) to not treat us like slaves._

I chuckled, but went on writing:

_I think we'd be having our little arguments like we used to when you were still alive. But we'd be a happy, peaceful family in general._

_Words can't even express how much I miss you, dad. If only you could see me now._

_I hope you're feeling better up there and that you're satisfied with what we've all made of our lives. I know you're protecting mom, Katie and me. Please, never stop. _

_We love you._

_~Kendall. February 14, 2013._

I fold the paper and place it in an empty drawer. I've officially decided that every year from now on, I'll be writing him a letter telling him about my life and how it has been the whole year. It will probably help me relieve some of the pain.

I lie on the bed, closing my eyes, knowing that things are soon going to get better for all of us. I can almost see my father. His smile is still the one he had when he was here. His voice is calm and soothing as he whispers:

"_It's alright Kendall. I'm here. I'll never leave you"_

**And that's a wrap! I hope you liked this, and if you did, please review! I have written two more stories that haven't been reviewed, which saddens me. You really should give me your opinion! *puppy eyes***

**I'm not really sure I have captured the emotion well enough, since I've never lost a relative and I am lucky to have both parents around. If there's something I wrote wrong, don't hesitate to point it out to me.**

**Anyways, I've also started writing original fiction on FictionPress. If you are interested, you can check out the one I've started writing, called **_**Dreams of Music **_**under the Young Adult category. You can give your opinion there as well.**

**So, I hope you've liked this one, and remember that you can always review and PM me for suggestions.**

**Peace out! **

**~Ana**


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